It's been three days In a row now, ben,
That our paper hasn't Been delivered.
Do you have any idea What's going on ?
Well, maybe someone From another apartment
Got mistaken And took yours.
Well, you don't make that kind Of mistake three days in a row.
I don't know why you're So uptight about it. It's just a paper.
I'm not uptight about it.
I just, i-i can't really Start my-- i--
It messes the rhythm Of my day.
If i don't have the metro Section, ben,
Got the word scramble In it, and it's got the, umm, Crime report.
I love-- Dad, you're Panicking.
What ? I think... You're all nervous.
No, i'm not, I'm not panicking.
I just like To know--you're like An addict...
You're like A news addict.
I'm telling you, it's like You need your fix.
It's awful.
It's not a fix, ben, It's a, umm...
Well, come to think of it, Dad, you don't ever go
Without reading the paper In the morning.
It's kinda annoying.
To who ?
Well, to me, It's rude.
You know we have precious Little time together.
I mean, except for the mornings And the evenings.
This is a good test.
I'm saying you should go longer Without the paper
And see how you feel.
I can do it, I certainly can do it.
Dad, you can't handle The media of silence.
I'm perfectly comfortable With the silence, ben.
That's-that is My profession.
I embrace the silence.
You do ? Yeah.
I think you're the one who Can't go without the silence.
In fact, i will bet you
That i can go longer Without the paper
Than you can go Without talking.
( Laughing ) Without talking ?
Yeah.
I'm not gonna let you Make that bet.
I've already gone three days Without reading the paper.
You can't go-- No no no, That doesn't count.
--30 seconds Without talking. That doesn't count.
'Cause we're making that bet Now-- we start fresh.
This will be the easiest 100 bucks i've ever made.
Pretty cocky for a guy who Doesn't know what's goin' on In the world.
You're pretty talkative For a guy
Who's not gonna have Anything to say
In about 5 seconds.
That's right, When do we start ?
We start... Right now. ( Beep )
No, wait wait wait Wait wait...
Hey hey hey, ben ? Just stop.
I win ! No no no, You don't win. ( Beep )
100 bucks, baby. No, 'cause I didn't say goodbye.
Bye. ( Beep )
Did you start it ?
I did, you lose !
Y'know, dad, I don't lose.
Get on your mark... Get set... Shut-up. ( Beep )
Good luck, ben.
Mm-hmm.
What ?
Mm-hmm.
I'll see you later.
You're not gonna Catch me.
Okay.
Hey, laura, How you doing ?
Fine.
Reading the paper ?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, i remember Those days.
Huh.
You see, someone Keeps stealing our paper.
Oh, i bought this one.
No, i believe you, but I really miss the news.
It's pretty-- it's Disorienting, not--
I'm done with it, If you want to look at it.
Thank you, i can't.
Oh.
I have a bet going With ben
That i can go longer without Reading the paper
Than he can go without Talking.
So, ahh...
What kind of a bet Is that ?
Crazy bet.
How do you come up With that ?
Because he was accusing me Of being
Too dependent on the news And the media.
Yeah ?
And i said "shut up !"
Ohh.
I'll tell you one thing I'm not gonna do,
Is look over your shoulder At the paper.
Because, unlike my son, I have strength
And i have the courage Of my conviction.
But, y'know, if somebody Was to read it to me,
Strictly speaking, i wouldn't Be violating the terms of The, uh, pact.
I don't know, dr. Katz.
Okay, then just one Headline,
Y'know, just something, Something-- ohh, ohh !
Y'know what ? Read me the crime page.
( Sighs ) Okay, just one, one item And that's it--
Okay.
-- For you. Okay.
"In a stunning development..."
Mm-hmm.
"See page a-4."
Okay, that ought to Hold me.
Hello !!!
Too loud.
Oh, i was just Saying "hello".
Could you just Keep it down ?
( Quieter ) Hello, was that Still too loud ?
No, but it was still Annoying.
Oh, alright.
You're paul f. Tompkins, Right ?
That's-- yes !
You must have seen me, Somewhere.
Well, your name is on The appointment list,
And you've been here Before.
Oh, alright.
That's also good.
What does the "f" Stand for ?
It stands for "francis".
Well, when did you start Using it in your name ?
Oh, a long, Long time ago.
Why ?
Ahh, it just looks classy.
To who ?
To uh, y'know, people who, Uhh, people who like letters.
Ohh.
"F"'s a good letter, It's one better than "e".
It's got the two things That jut out.
You could pick up meat With it.
Look out ! "F" !
Are you sleeping All right ?
I sl-- Ohh, i sleep great.
I'm very good at it.
You take any Medication ?
Well, y'know... Beer. I mean, if that counts.
It's a stimulant, actually, And a depressant.
Yeah, that's what i like About it.
'Cause it gets me all crazy And then i pass out.
Yeah.
And here's what i like To do.
There's uh, y'know, like you can Get a uh, a case of beer
But they call it A 24-pack...
So it doesn't sound, like, That bad
That you drink a case of beer By yourself...
"Just havin' a 24-pack."
I like to get a 24-pack,
Y'know, just start drinking it By myself with the lights off In my apartment.
I listen to the highway, and I pretend i'm by the ocean.
That doesn't sound like a good Time-- to be alone...
Mm-hmm.
With a case of beer.
A 24-pack !
A 24-pack.
See ? Now it sounds like A great time.
Hmm.
One of my favorite drinks Is guinness.
I like guinness For two reasons:
Number one, it'll knock you On your ass, jack.
And number two: every year At st. Patrick's day,
Guinness has this contest Where you can write in
And-- it's an essay Contest--
You write an essay saying How much you love guinness
And then if you win, You win a pub in ireland.
That's your prize.
Really ?
Here's what's great About this:
First of all, it gets horrible Alcoholics to say
What horrible drunks they are In writing. Uh-huh.
Like some guy writin' on some Stout-stained napkin,
"I love guinness and i wish I could take a bath in it
And i wish i could cry Tears of real guinness."
That's great.
Number two, The grand prize is--
You win a business that You know nothin' about.
That's your prize. Right.
You don't know anything about Running a pub,
Now you're in charge of one.
Way to go !
That's like if the grand prize Was you got to build a ship...
"Hey, you won, get to work On that ship."
"Well i don't think i know Anything about building a--"
"C'mon, get to work on That ship ! You won !"
"I don't think I should really be--"
"C'mon, we need that ship ! Chop chop !"
"I-- there's some mistake, I think."
Hey, ben, just 'cause You can't talk, Mm.
It doesn't mean you can't Use a napkin.
You have milk all over Your face...
Mm-mmm.
And crumbs all over Your shirt. Mmm.
Y'know, i cannot believe that This is four days now
That the paper Is missing.
And the crazy thing's I don't even miss it.
Mm-hmm.
Y'know, i'm kind of Enjoying it.
( Humming )
Wouldn't you say, ben ? You agree ?
You know what ?
I can hold up your end of The conversation easily.
Mm.
I'll tell you what you like About me,
And correct me if I'm wrong.
You enjoy my company,
You enjoy my cooking,
You enjoy...
Uh, are you giving me The finger ?
Mm-hmm. ( Laughs )
I guess that's allowed Under the circumstances.
Mm-mmm-mm.
Hey, i know i can speak, But--
Right back at ya, pal.
So, in retrospect, it may not Have been the best move.
First of all, i moved there Because i thought
It was a healthier place To live, y'know ?
I left new york city-- the Largest outdoor mental hospital In the country--
To move to l.A. To get healthy. Uh-huh.
And then i end up here.
What a trifecta-- new york To l.A. To dr. Katz.
Woo ! I can feel the health Flowing through my veins.
Dr. Katz's office.
( Sighs )
Dr. Katz's office.
( Sighs ) Mmmmm !
Ben, is that you ?
Mm-hmm.
Ben ? Umm-hmm.
So i go down to this spa For the weekend, alright ? Yeah.
You should see this place, It's unbelievable.
You get there, every sign In the place is:
"This is a place about quiet.
"This is a place about peace.
"Let go and let god.
"Relax, relax, relax"--
You know what ?
I'll relax when you Relax me ! Okay ?
I'm paying for you To relax me !
So you relax me, alright ?
( Slurp ) ( exhale )
Mmm.
( Slurp )
What kind is it ?
Ohhh, yeah, Ohh, i mean-- ohh.
You mean what ?
Ohh.
Ben, you talked.
What ?
You just talked again.
( Mumbles in disagreement )
Did too !
( Mumbles in Disagreement ) Did--
You didn't hear nothing, I didn't talk.
Oh, ben.
Laura, shhh, forget it. I'll call you back.
( Ring )
Dr. Katz's office.
( * Harmonica )
I'm in the spa and i go for Their signature treatment, ok ?
It's called the "whatsu"-- Mm-hmm.
Which they tell you is some Iroquois word
That stands for something-- I don't even remember--
Which really stands for, "we are Totally scamming you", okay ?
I'm in a mineral pool And some new-age dwarf
Waddles into the pool To cradle me.
They're supposed to cradle you In this pool
Until you become your Inner child again, alright ?
First of all, i'm all open For the experience.
I'm thinking this is Gonna be great.
I'm there with my girlfriend-- She's got the good therapist,
My therapist is 10 minutes Late, alright ?
So they're already messing With my trust issues.
I can't even trust This woman.
She waddles into the pool And puts on
Some breathy, forced, New-age bogus voice...
"Hello, sam. I'm horizon. Are you ready to do the work ?"
Yeah, i'm ready to do The work !
I've been here 10 minutes, now Start doing your job, you goof !
You new-age water buffalo !
Cradle me and bring me back To my childhood and heal me !
Get it ?
Dr. Katz's office.
( * Trumpet )
Hey, that's pretty good.
So she starts with her Untrained, pathetic, weaved Magic all over me, okay ?
She can barely even hold me 'Cause her arms are so Stumpy and short.
Yeah.
And then she decides that Would be a perfect time
To gently scrape my forehead Against the side of the pool !
What the hell are you Thinking, lady ?
Like i needed to know That kind of pain !
I wasn't in enough pain.
I need you to scrape my face Against concrete
To get me in touch with all Kinds of stuff
That i wasn't already In touch with ?
Thank you very much !
( Drum beat )
( Boom-boom )
( Jingle )
( Boom-boom ) ( Jingle-jingle )
( Tribal screeching )
So, i go downstairs, I get the paper
And that's how i sort of Get in the groove.
It marks the rhythm Of my day.
Your groove was off. Yeah.
Yeah, but there's other ways To get news.
There's the radio... And the t.V.
I know, but that's part Of the deal,
Is i'm not allowed to-to To watch the news on t.V...
Oh.
Listen on the radio. Oh.
I'm not allowed to read Any newspapers.
It's a total news Black-out. Wow.Ohh.
News blackout !
So you've missed, Uhh...
What have i missed ?
Oh, there have been some...
The, uhh, eric clapton's Assassination of neil diamond.
Oh my god !
Gary coleman... Mm-hmm.
A multi-year contract with The yankees.
Ahh, i saw that one Coming.
( Stanley laughs )
Y'know, sometimes i get Self-conscious about The way i look.
I mean, i'm sure Everybody does.
And i have less reason than Most people because, y'know...
But, umm, even i get Self-conscious about The way i look.
But then, it's all a matter Of perspective, see ?
'Cause, like, i stop And think about it,
I say, okay, what do i do Every day ?
I eat nothing but Fried meat. Uh-huh.
I drink a case of beer, Mm-hmm.
And smoke half a carton Of cigarettes. Ummm...
Well, then, i should look A lot worse, shouldn't i ?
Huh. Yeah, look at me now !
Now i'm not so bad ! Right.
Now i got a little gleam In my eye, a little hitch In my step !
Who's that handsome man In the suit over there On that couch ?
That's you, paul.
I eat like a goat !
I should be dead !
I am baffled by people Who are "thrown off" By daylight savings time.
It's just an hour adjustment-- Twice a year.
That's all it is. Right.
You don't even have to live The hour that gets adjusted.
Just fix your clock. Hmm.
But still, twice a year You got people,
"Aw, i'm sorry man, i'm uh, I'm kinda screwed up
'Cause of, uhh, Daylight savings time."
It's just an hour !
That's all it is ! Huh.
There's nothing to be Disoriented by.
You didn't get off a plane From australia.
But still, twice a year, people, "Uhh what ? What ?
"Is this milk still good ?"
"Uhh, who is The president now ?"
"Do i have a great Bushy beard ?"
( Female ) So, that's 1-3-5-5...
Mm-hmm.
Okay, we're missing One number.
I just need that Final number
And we'll have that paper out To you as soon as we can.
Umm. Ummm.
One ?
Uh-uhm, Ummm.
Umm, umm, umm, umm, umm.
Ummmmm.
Aye.
Umm !
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2...1...
Uh-hmm. Mmm...
Zero ?
Umm !
Zero !
Bingo.
1-3-5-5-0.
Okay, thank you very much, Mr. Katz.
You have a wonderful day.
Hey, ben, How are you, man ?
Mmm.
Whaddya have there ?
Oooh... Ooh, A new release.
I hear it's good.
Mm-hmm.
( Typing )
Oh, you know what ?
Umm ?
Mmmmf, ahhh.
Um !
You know i-- ugh !
Ben, this is Reserved, man.
Mmm.
This is-- i can't rent you this, Give it to me.
Umm.
Ben, what are you doing ?
Umm !
Are you All right, man ? Mm-hmm.
You got... Something in your Mouth you want to take out ?
Mmm. ( Tap-tap-tap )
What the hell's Going on ?
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
I'm not gonna play "Hangman" with you.
( Writing )
You made a bet with your father That you could take a vow of Silence ?
Umm...
( Laughs ) That's funny.
Mmm.
I mean, not funny enough to go Through all this,
But it's funny.
Mmm.
Why would you bet Your father ?
M mmm mm-mm ( I don't know )
Your dad is gonna win This bet.
Yeah, he will.
You see what i mean-- I have to call your dad now.
Mmm-mm, mmm-mm !
No, you can't say "Yeah, he will" and then...
Mmmm.
No, it's too late.
It's tarnished. Mmm.
Your vow of silence Has been tarnished.
( Sigh ) Come on.
( * )
( Whistles )
Hey, ben, What's going on ?
( Laughing ) Ahh.
Hey, hey, ben, i'm talking To you--
Ahh. -- Ben.
( Rustling paper ) That's our paper !
Mm-hmm.
Where did you get The paper, ben ?
Was it in the foyer where It's supposed to be ? Mm-hmm.
Because i didn't see it This morning. Umm. Umm-hmm.
I heard there was Something awful...
I missed the tail-end Of it.
Mmm.
And you know what ? I don't give a damn.
Mmmm. I don't really Need to know.
I'm on a need-to-know Basis.
If it doesn't effect me And my life
( Sigh ) I don't need to know About it.
But, ahh, i'll tell you One thing...
This global warming Trend...
( Yawns ) Oh, man, i am sweating Like a pig.
Give me the ( bleep ) paper Or i'm gonna kill you !
( Laughing )
Umm-umm.
Please, give me that ! No.
Give me the paper !
No.
( Yelling ) I need to know !
Let it go !
Give it to me !
You lost !
No, i think it's A draw.
You just lost !
No, you talked, I took.
You grabbed the paper !
I know, but I didn't read it yet.
You grabbed it first.
I grabbed it-- Didn't read it.
You talked. You grabbed first,
Then i said, "Let go".
Yeah. Who... ? But--
So you looked At the paper...
No, i took the paper.
You talked, Then i looked.
Did you see a headline ?
No. Oh my god ! Yeah.
"Man takes paper from son".
( Laughs )
Wow, that is some Snappy reporting.
They're quick. Yeah.
What a relief !
Oh man, it's great to hear The sound of your voice.
Are you serious ?
Yeah, i mean it. I missed it.
You know how many "Umm-umms" i did ?
Did you really keep your end Of the bargain ?
Did you remain silent The entire time ?
Totally not.
Okay.
What about you ? Did you read The paper at all ?
Little bit. Little ?
You know ben, on every corner There's a newspaper stand.
Umm.
It's hard not To see it. Yeah.
You know, i'd have to Avert my eyes.
It's safe to say that i talked More in the last two days Than ever.
Really ?
I talked to everybody In the street.
I said "hello" To everybody.
So, what was it about your Vow of silence that was A vow of silence ?
Well, whenever you were around I just mumbled.
Oh.
You've lost every bet, i think, We've ever made.
That's not true.
It is true. It's the last one i won.
I think-- didn't we do The indian leg-wrestling About a year ago ?
Was that a bet ?
I think it was just An accident.
Yeah, that was awkward.
You know who was great at that Was your aunt sylvie.
Remember we had that bet About duct tape
Whether it was made from Ducks or not ?
Yup.
And uhh, you won.
Well, i had an unfair Advantage-- i'm not an idiot.
( Laughs )
Hey, hey, hey, laura, How are you doing today ?
Fine.
That's-- y'know, those are my Significant others
In the background, there.
Oh right, you have a group Session today with your family.
Yeah, It's a beautiful thing.
I really wish you could be In there to share it
And see how great They are.
Well, I'll be listening in.
( Whispering ) You won't tell anybody About this, will you ?
Ummm, nnn-no.
I think that we need to De-escalate the anger In this room,
Because, in order for us To make headway,
We have to sort of talk about Things in the abstract.
What's the point ?
Are you two here gonna Help me or what ?
Help you ?
Help you, yeah.
Well, i'll tell you about that In a minute.
No, i want to know Right now !
Oh sam, you're always so Entitled for chrissakes.
I'm entitled, yeah, I'm entitled for love.
This is like that scene In "ordinary people".
Great, yeah, real Ordinary people.
I love you both So much.
Yeah, we're just the most Ordinary people on the planet.
We should just be at banana republic right now
Buying chinos For each other.
Well, i think when you Become a parent,
There's sort of an Unspoken contract
To display your affection For your offspring.
Sam was very, very needy and I knew that he needed a hug.
But he was so weird, That i couldn't touch him.
I just couldn't Touch him. Yeah.
Never mind, hug him.
And i've dealt with that shame And guilt all of my life
And he, unfortunately, Is the result of it.
Exactly, that's The whole reason i'm in here,
'Cause you told me I was a mistake.
Sam, i'm your mother.
What's your point ? Why are you in here ?
Do you care about me ?
Uhhhhhh...
You have to think About it ?
So you were, at one point in Your life, institutionalized.
Uhhh, i don't like the word "Institutionalized" dr. Katz.
I'm not really comfortable with That word-- with that term.
I'd like to call it a "home away From the home i never had".
And so when you were released, You went to live with your Family.
Is that right ?
You get out of the nut-house and Everybody's afraid, y'know ?
They all think you're gonna turn Into, like, charles manson.
Yeah.
I got home and my mom Was like,
"Sam, honey, we love you Very much.
That's why we've re-decorated Your entire room in 'nerf'".
Hee hee hee, Boink-boink !
So what i think is Going on here
Is that this is the first Opportunity that you've had
To talk to each other, Face-to-face,
In a safe environment.
Oh, you're brilliant.
I mean, you are so good at what You do, it's scary.
When's the book Coming out ?
Excuse me for being rude, But we didn't need you To tell us this, dr. Katz.
It's something we've all known From our own therapist,
Mine of 54 years-- I'm 64.
Wow, you've been in therapy For 54 years.
That's impressive.
Yeah, and she did Help me--
She's in the "guiness book", Dr. Katz.
Right next to The fat bikers.
So you don't feel that it's Necessary for us to do this Again.
Yeah, i'm healed now. Really ?
No, i'm gonna go work At a nursing home
And i'm just gonna push Old people around
And tell 'em Funny stories.
Oh good.
Oh, dr. Katz, by the way, check The evening news tonight.
Yeah.
You'll see an artist's Rendering of me
Lifting my mother's head Into a ceiling fan, alright ?
I love walking around town, Especially, like uh, New york city, y'know,
Because, you walk around town, You see all the hipsters.
Yeah. All the alternativos.
These people are so cool,
They carry their cool Alternative pets
Just on their person. Yeah.
You see a guy walking around, He's got a crazy iguana !
Up there on his shoulder. Right.
A little further on, somebody's Got a coo-coo cockatiel !
Just hanging out. Mm-hmm.
And i think these people want Some response from you
'Cause they've gone through The trouble to put a live, Exotic animal on them.
So, i think they want you To do something like,
"Ahh-ah-ah-ah, Pardon me, sir,
"Is that a bird on Your shoulder ?
"It is ? Well you must be One fascinating individual !
"Your personality is not at all Manufactured.
"I say, what if we were To exchange addresses And became pen pals ?
"That way, i could collect Your letters in a bound volume Entitled:
'My correspondence with the most Interesting person alive' !"
( Music )
Whoops, you know what The music means.